Clavicle Is The New Cleavage!

I had my second treatment on a Monday and by Wednesday my hair was falling out in clumps. There are a lot of indignities associated with having breast cancer chemotherapy. I decided that "cancer" was not going to take my hair... I was going to control that one!  My stylist, which fitted me for a wig, was unavailable. So, I called my best friend and told him that he had to shave my head tonight.  I know it was harder on R than it was on me.  He climbed into the bathtub with me and cut it into a crew cut  (it really looked pretty good) and then he shaved it all off. Who knew surgeons could style hair too! We both cried. It didn't bother me that I was bald, it was the reality staring back at me in the mirror.  The reality that I really did have cancer.

It's funny how I've gained a greater appreciation for the follicly impaired.

Being bald is really quite liberating! I can get ready as fast as R now! I love not having to wash and blow dry my hair. It takes just minutes to throw on the wig and presto...R has a new girlfriend! He thinks she is very sexy! However, it does get cold, something I never really understood until now. I wear a do-rag around the house, and to bed and I am very toasty. As always, my baseball cap is my first choice over the wig! The warm shower feels wonderful on a bald head...got to find the silver lining!

30 years...5/29/13 For better or worse & in sickness and in health...by my side!
Happy Anniversary to my amazing husband!

Alex cut 12 inches of her hair off in 2010 to donate to Locks of Love.

In March, she dip dyed her hair pink to help cheer me on.

Somehow The Chemo Cocktail Doesn't taste the same as a fine Chardonnay with Dover Sole!

Thanks Hallmark...
my Sentiments exactly!

I started neo adjuvant chemotherapy on February 18th and hopefully if all goes well, I will be finished on May27th!!  Just in time to for a a wonderful celebration with family and friends on June 8th at the Race for A Cure!!

Chemotherapy is a compound of two words that mean "chemical" and "treatment"

My dear friend and fellow warrior tried to calm my fears by calling it an"infusion." What she really wanted to say, but didn't want to frighten me, was to call it chemo f***ing therapy, a nightmare you'll never forget, the most challenging days of your life, and the list could go on.

My first day of chemo was a dreaded day of unknown fear, of what was about to happen to my body. I take good care of myself, exercise, eat healthily and I rarely even take tylenol. Now, I am about to embark on a process of  putting the most deadly toxins into my body. It's absolutely barbaric, however, this is what is scientifically proven to work at the moment. Someday soon, I hope, scientists will find a way to target tumors more effectively rather than treating the body with a systemic poison.

The Process:

1st ~ your height and weight is taken as this is how they calculate the drugs in milligram doses

2nd ~ you sit in your lazy boy chair, your blood pressure is taken 

3rd ~ they take blood from your port which was inserted surgically under the skin on the chest and attached to the port is a catheter that goes directly into the vena cava (very creepy)...the blood is drawn to see if you are only half dead, if you are only half dead you are certainly ready for another smack down!

4th ~ the compassionate nurses hang the dreaded cocktails and they are all administered through the port

First 4 treatments consisted of the following goodies: This takes about 3 1/2 hours

Emend: prevent nausea

Aloxi: prevent nausea

Decadron: steroid (helps with nausea and anti - inflammatory)

Adriamycin chemo (Better known as the Red devil) Can't imagine why it's called this? It's red in color, makes you pee red and it does nasty things to your body (alters the structure of cellular DNA)
Cytoxan: chemo (interferes with cellular metabolism and growth)

Saline flush

The day after each of the first 4 treatments, when you are so sick you can barley sit upright in a chair, you go in for a "Neulasta"shot. This is a white blood cell booster.  It stings like a son of a bitch (the nurse always apologizes) This shot just adds insult to injury as your body is already compromised from the day before and the shot knocks you for another loop.

Second 4 treatments: This take about 4 1/2 hours

Benadryl: to prevent allergic reaction (Taxol is so highly allergic, you must be given Benadryl to prevent possible anaphylactic shock)  Nice to know...made sure R was by my side for this one

Zofran: prevent nausea 

Decadron: steroid

Zantac: (prevent stomach/heartburn issues)

Taxol: chemo (prevents cancer cells from dividing)

Saline flush

My schedule is a two - week interval and is called "dose dense chemotherapy" 

I only had a FEW side effects, which included the following: gastritis, mouth sores (so painful it hurt to talk, drink or eat), nausea, folliculitis (it wasn't bad enough to lose all of my hair, but then I developed a rash on my head), body sores from steroid use, severe dry mouth (but there is a special mouth wash for that...thank heavens for small miracles), extreme thirst, loss of appetite (with the first 4 treatments EVERYTHING tastes awful...even water tastes terrible. Your taste buds are fried for the first 2 months of treatment, but improves for the second round, body hair loss ( I really enjoyed the instant Brazilian), I still have some eyelashes and eyebrows...go figure... (keep your fingers crossed!!) sore and darkened nail beds (may lose nails... oh well...see mantra below), constant runny nose, burning and itching of the eyes, migraine symptoms (sound and light sensitivity) extreme fatigue, severe joint pain, hand and body tremors, chemo is extremely dehydrating so everything is extremely dry (chap-stick and a loofah sponge are my salvation), dizziness, difficulty sleeping, bladder discomfort, constipation, neuropathy is common with the Taxol (keep your fingers crossed on this one too...hasn't happened)

Cancer attacks the body first and then it invades the spirit.

I felt so much despair while going through this nightmare.  I finally decided my mantra had to be 
"this is as good as it gets." 

When I finally "let go" of  what I could not control (the inevitable side effects) it was a big step in easing my suffering.  I was hesitant at first, but I soon discovered that I should take every drug possible to get me through.  The nurses would encourage it and assured me that it was all "short term."  

Only 2 More Treatments!!

Please Join Me for The Race for The Cure!!

Please join us as we run/walk for the cure on 

Saturday, June 8th!!

Please sign up ASAP! Alexandra is designing special T-shirts and I need to get a count as we are ordering them soon!!  

Here is a direct link to the Cupcakes and Cancer Team Page. Click the link provided below -> click "Join Cupcakes and Cancer" on the right side of the page to register for the 2013 Western New York Race for the Cure!

WHEN: Saturday June 8th 

TIME: 10AM

WHERE: Delaware Park Rose Garden (more information and race details can be found on the link)

http://wny.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/BUF_WesternNewYorkAffiliate/1781754083?pg=team&fr_id=2915&team_id=252796

It will be a wonderful day!  Thanks in advance for your love & support!!

Gratitude is a memory stored in the Heart

My mother taught me the importance of gratitude and Thank You notes!

"You know it's nothing new

Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around"

If all the love and support that I have received from family, friends, and complete strangers could wipe out cancer, I would have never needed the chemo treatments. I cry every day and the tears come from a place of sincere gratitude! I am so overwhelmed by so many, reaching out and touching me with the gentle healing hands of kindness.

Until I write the thank you notes, please accept my gratitude for...being there in the early hours of diagnosis to keep me afloat, 

"Holding onto me as we go

as we roll down this unfamiliar road

And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone"

sending me "our" song, keeping me company in the treatment room, holding my hand and crying with me, sitting with me in the dark while I recover from treatment, listening without judgement, ice cream runs, helping me find my silver lining, wig shopping, love & support calls and gifts from Atlanta, Florida, Missouri, North Carolina, Pa, NYC, the necklace w/Lady Liberty and Celtic princess warrior, putting me in touch with survivors for comfort and advice, satin pillow cases to comfort my bald head, my chemo bag filled with sisterly love, my FU BC shirt that is "so me" and says it all, going for a walks, buying the cook book Cancer Fighting Kitchen and making me dishes prepared with love and compassion, PJ's & healing garden lotions, organizing the Race and the Rally,

Race for the Cure (Saturday June 8th) 

&

 Tennis Rally for the Cure (Tuesday July 9th), 

anytime bars, journal, biscotti, my favorite cutouts from Dessert Deli, beautiful flower arrangements, inspirational books, cards/love notes (R calls it my "fan mail"), chili and soup, cashmere throw to keep me warm in the treatment room, prayer shawl, bubble bath, yoga reflections CD, raspberry pastry, Breema treatment, spa gift cards, "checking in on you" texts, eloquent emails and blog posts, The Kitchen House, She Walks In Beauty, organizing a "love fest" at her home, organizing a "love fest" at Cafe Aroma, small dinner parties, flowers from Helen Reddy, candles, pasta & sauce, Bath & Body works lotions, yellow tulips, and pink tulips, napkins and place mats, fruit arrangements, driving me to countless appointments, more biscotti, kitty key chain, blueberry scones, pizzelles, chicken souvlaki @ Milos, cupcakes, offers to go out for wine and cupcakes, monogramed yoga mat, homemade cookies, almond cake, the family recipe of broccoli and peas, huge hugs with kind whispers, pedicure gift card from our favorite Ann, gift cards for milkshakes, hats, SPCA basket of gifts & soups, homemade breads, beautiful post surgery camisole, finding packages at the door, Azalea plant, the breast cancer handbook and chocolate!!

“In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert  Eat, Pray, Love

Mummy Has Breast Cancer

Ever since Nick returned from London, he calls me "mum." 

"When you are diagnosed, they give you a few leaflets on how to tell your children, but really, it's like issuing a London Tube map to someone running up a beach from a tsunami." 

Can there be a conversation more difficult for a mother than the one where you have to tell your children you have breast cancer? It's horrible imagining delivering a blow that is bound to send them reeling, without being able to, in any obvious way, "kiss it better." It's a scenario you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, and yet, every year, 1 out of 8 women find themselves in this situation.

There are some human experiences that resist direction and this is one of them.  Waiting for the pathology report with my diagnosis was awful, but the thought of telling Alexandra and Nicholas was daunting!  There is a book out there by Oliver James, entitled 

How Not to F*** Them Up, however the book doesn't cover this scenario. There isn't much out there, or I couldn't find anything on the subject of telling your children, so I called a psychotherapist to walk me through the most difficult task I have ever encountered. 

Since they are adult children, I knew they would understand that breast cancer is life threatening. Losing your mother, is to lose the ultimate cradling protection. Our natural instinct as mothers is to protect. Ultimately, you can't protect a child from knowing the fear and grief that is in a house when cancer is diagnosed. You can't make the uncertain certain.  But in talking to them you offer that most precious gift, the gift of a mother's voice.  Perhaps that you talk to them at all is more important than the words you choose.

Ralph and I told them separately, because we didn't think we could handle it emotionally if we told them together.  That was the right decision for us.  Alex just happened to be coming  home that weekend for a post Christmas dinner party with family.  A time of such emotional intensity needs to be shared, not just parent to child, but between siblings who will be each other's support system.

Afterwards, both R and I felt a great weight had been lifted.  Alexandra and Nicholas are both dealing with the situation according to their personalities, which is, what we expected. The most important thing to me was that they got on with their lives and daily routines and they did.

Truthfulness, coupled with love, will enable your children to grow stronger through this family crisis.  

Partly Cloudy Chance of Pain

On 2/18/13 I rolled up my sleeves and got into warrior mode to let the killing begin!

You have probably heard that most treatments begin after surgery, however I was given a choice to have treatments before or after surgery.  I chose to have neoadjuvant chemotherapy.  This gave me more "peace of mind" to make decisions about surgery and reconstruction down the line.  

Everything was happening too quickly and I was feeling like I was not in control.  Originally, surgery was set for Valentines's Day.  We had two vacations planned and I had a lot of mental processing to do as well as decision making. My mind was still spinning and my anxiety level was over the top!  I felt a huge burden being lifted when neoadjuvant chemo was given to me as a choice. 

The Friday before chemo started, I had a permanent IV device (life port) surgically inserted under the skin. This is where they will draw blood and administer chemo each time. 

Chemical warfare on the body

The cancer cells are constantly dividing until something disrupts this cycle, which is the role of chemotherapy.  Unfortunately, chemo is killing off the healthy dividing cells in bone marrow, gastrointestinal tract, hair follicles ect. This is where the horrendous side effects come into play.  Reading about and anticipating the side effects was enough to set me  into full gear panic mode! I tried to focus on the fact that these chemicals were going to save my life! I closed my eyes and thought of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Instead of clicking my heals together and saying "there is no place like home," I said, "let the healing begin."

The chemotherapy room, in my opinion, is hardly conducive to healing.  My mother went with me for the first treatment and every time I looked at her, I would cry, no words were spoken, she just understood. I love her!!  If you ever need to put life into perspective, go sit in a chemotherapy room.

ONE chemo treatment is behind me!! Now I know what to expect, and the anxiety won't be as great for round 2.  The week following the first treatment was a challenge.  My side effects were mostly headache, extreme fatigue and waves of nausea.  I slept most of the week away.  Monday was the first treatment, and on Friday, at about 5:00, I called Ralph and told him I was starving.  I was never so happy to be starving!! I was planning my victory dinner while I waited for him to come home! I wanted a juicy medium rare filet mignon, Caesar salad, and a baked potato with butter and sour cream!  I was finally on the "other side of shitty!!" 

Warrior Pose 

Forewarned is Forearmed!

I called the  radiology department to ask some question after my diagnosis and they put me in contact with a "Breast Health Navigator."  Seriously, I need my own personal Breast Health Navigator!!  

Couldn't someone else navigate so I don't have to participate?  

I need to make so many decisions...decisions...decisions...REALLY...I hardly know a thing about breast cancer! My mind was racing, my thoughts were like a pin ball machine, I couldn't sleep or eat.  Steroids are going to be part of my regimen, however, I haven't even started them.

I quickly realized that learning about my disease, surgeries and treatments was going to empower me and help me regain a sense of control. Knowledge/Information is incredibly empowering!! The more you understand about something, the less power it has over you!!  

Several months ago, Ralph and I had a planned trip to Vieques, Puerto Rico.  My breast surgeon said that this is not a medical emergency, take time and study your options.  It was the best thing we could have ever done.  Our stress levels were at an all time high, we were both crying and depressed.  I studied breast cancer for several hours each day, by the pool, overlooking the ocean...in pure paradise. 

 The option was to do the same thing, but in Buffalo.  

Ralph would sit next to me and I would interrupt him with questions and interesting facts.  I know it was exhausting for him, however he never left my side and was patient and understanding with my constant banter.  I looked forward to our evening routine of a very late lunch, of pita and hummus, a glass of wine for me and a manhattan for R.

Here are My Stats:

Prognosis:   Excellent
Multi centric Invasive ductal carcinoma = not so good
Architecturally poorly differentiated cells = not so good
Low nuclear grade = good
BRAC 1 & BRAC2 negative = good
ER & PR Positive = good
HER2/neu negative = good
Stage 2 = better than 4

Here is what it all means:

Prognosis A prediction of the course of the disease, the future prospect for the patient.  For example, most breast cancer patients who receive treatment early have a good prognosis..... frosting!!
Multi Centric Describes cancers or suspicious micro calcifications located over more than one quarter of the breast.
Invasive  Cancer that has spread outside its site of origin and is growing into the surrounding tissue
Ductal Cancers beginning in the milk ducts and comprise the largest number of cancers occurring in women
Carcinoma Describes a malignant or cancerous growth
Poorly Differentiated These cells have lost most of the characteristics of the cell from which they came.  Usually aggressive.
Low Nuclear Grade This is an evaluation of the size and shape of nucleus in tumor cells and the percentage of tumor cells that are in the process of dividing or growing.  Cancers with a low nuclear grade grow and spread less quickly than cancers with a high nuclear grade.
BRAC 1 & BRAC 2  Genes identified to increase risk of hereditary breast cancer..... frosting!!
ER & PR This refers to the presence of estrogen (ER = Estrogen Receptor) and progesterone 
(PR = Progesterone Receptor) receptors in the tumor cell nuclei.  It tells the physician whether the tumor was stimulated to grow by female hormones and is very important in determining what type of treatment will be used after surgery.  If a tumor is positive, that means it was stimulated by estrogen or progesterone and usually carries a more positive prognosis..... frosting!!
Her2/neu  Human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 is a protein identified in breast cancer indicating increased aggressiveness.
Stage 2 When pathology results are received, your cancer is staged on a scale from zero (in-situ cancer) to four (a cancer with distant metastasis).  A stage zero cancer is the earliest form of breast cancer and has the best prognosis.  Staging is an estimate of how much the cancer has spread. 

" Know thy Enemy"...

What an understatement!

I learned so much about breast cancer in the first few weeks after my diagnosis.  There has been so much information to process...its like trying to take a sip of water from an open fire hydrant!!