Partly Cloudy Chance of Pain

On 2/18/13 I rolled up my sleeves and got into warrior mode to let the killing begin!

You have probably heard that most treatments begin after surgery, however I was given a choice to have treatments before or after surgery.  I chose to have neoadjuvant chemotherapy.  This gave me more "peace of mind" to make decisions about surgery and reconstruction down the line.  

Everything was happening too quickly and I was feeling like I was not in control.  Originally, surgery was set for Valentines's Day.  We had two vacations planned and I had a lot of mental processing to do as well as decision making. My mind was still spinning and my anxiety level was over the top!  I felt a huge burden being lifted when neoadjuvant chemo was given to me as a choice. 

The Friday before chemo started, I had a permanent IV device (life port) surgically inserted under the skin. This is where they will draw blood and administer chemo each time. 

Chemical warfare on the body

The cancer cells are constantly dividing until something disrupts this cycle, which is the role of chemotherapy.  Unfortunately, chemo is killing off the healthy dividing cells in bone marrow, gastrointestinal tract, hair follicles ect. This is where the horrendous side effects come into play.  Reading about and anticipating the side effects was enough to set me  into full gear panic mode! I tried to focus on the fact that these chemicals were going to save my life! I closed my eyes and thought of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Instead of clicking my heals together and saying "there is no place like home," I said, "let the healing begin."

The chemotherapy room, in my opinion, is hardly conducive to healing.  My mother went with me for the first treatment and every time I looked at her, I would cry, no words were spoken, she just understood. I love her!!  If you ever need to put life into perspective, go sit in a chemotherapy room.

ONE chemo treatment is behind me!! Now I know what to expect, and the anxiety won't be as great for round 2.  The week following the first treatment was a challenge.  My side effects were mostly headache, extreme fatigue and waves of nausea.  I slept most of the week away.  Monday was the first treatment, and on Friday, at about 5:00, I called Ralph and told him I was starving.  I was never so happy to be starving!! I was planning my victory dinner while I waited for him to come home! I wanted a juicy medium rare filet mignon, Caesar salad, and a baked potato with butter and sour cream!  I was finally on the "other side of shitty!!" 

Warrior Pose 

Forewarned is Forearmed!

I called the  radiology department to ask some question after my diagnosis and they put me in contact with a "Breast Health Navigator."  Seriously, I need my own personal Breast Health Navigator!!  

Couldn't someone else navigate so I don't have to participate?  

I need to make so many decisions...decisions...decisions...REALLY...I hardly know a thing about breast cancer! My mind was racing, my thoughts were like a pin ball machine, I couldn't sleep or eat.  Steroids are going to be part of my regimen, however, I haven't even started them.

I quickly realized that learning about my disease, surgeries and treatments was going to empower me and help me regain a sense of control. Knowledge/Information is incredibly empowering!! The more you understand about something, the less power it has over you!!  

Several months ago, Ralph and I had a planned trip to Vieques, Puerto Rico.  My breast surgeon said that this is not a medical emergency, take time and study your options.  It was the best thing we could have ever done.  Our stress levels were at an all time high, we were both crying and depressed.  I studied breast cancer for several hours each day, by the pool, overlooking the ocean...in pure paradise. 

 The option was to do the same thing, but in Buffalo.  

Ralph would sit next to me and I would interrupt him with questions and interesting facts.  I know it was exhausting for him, however he never left my side and was patient and understanding with my constant banter.  I looked forward to our evening routine of a very late lunch, of pita and hummus, a glass of wine for me and a manhattan for R.

Here are My Stats:

Prognosis:   Excellent
Multi centric Invasive ductal carcinoma = not so good
Architecturally poorly differentiated cells = not so good
Low nuclear grade = good
BRAC 1 & BRAC2 negative = good
ER & PR Positive = good
HER2/neu negative = good
Stage 2 = better than 4

Here is what it all means:

Prognosis A prediction of the course of the disease, the future prospect for the patient.  For example, most breast cancer patients who receive treatment early have a good prognosis..... frosting!!
Multi Centric Describes cancers or suspicious micro calcifications located over more than one quarter of the breast.
Invasive  Cancer that has spread outside its site of origin and is growing into the surrounding tissue
Ductal Cancers beginning in the milk ducts and comprise the largest number of cancers occurring in women
Carcinoma Describes a malignant or cancerous growth
Poorly Differentiated These cells have lost most of the characteristics of the cell from which they came.  Usually aggressive.
Low Nuclear Grade This is an evaluation of the size and shape of nucleus in tumor cells and the percentage of tumor cells that are in the process of dividing or growing.  Cancers with a low nuclear grade grow and spread less quickly than cancers with a high nuclear grade.
BRAC 1 & BRAC 2  Genes identified to increase risk of hereditary breast cancer..... frosting!!
ER & PR This refers to the presence of estrogen (ER = Estrogen Receptor) and progesterone 
(PR = Progesterone Receptor) receptors in the tumor cell nuclei.  It tells the physician whether the tumor was stimulated to grow by female hormones and is very important in determining what type of treatment will be used after surgery.  If a tumor is positive, that means it was stimulated by estrogen or progesterone and usually carries a more positive prognosis..... frosting!!
Her2/neu  Human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 is a protein identified in breast cancer indicating increased aggressiveness.
Stage 2 When pathology results are received, your cancer is staged on a scale from zero (in-situ cancer) to four (a cancer with distant metastasis).  A stage zero cancer is the earliest form of breast cancer and has the best prognosis.  Staging is an estimate of how much the cancer has spread. 

" Know thy Enemy"...

What an understatement!

I learned so much about breast cancer in the first few weeks after my diagnosis.  There has been so much information to process...its like trying to take a sip of water from an open fire hydrant!!

I am a Sharer & a Swearer!

Sharing is definitely me! 

&

As my tennis friends know, Swearing is too!

The diagnosis has been a shock to me, my family, and friends.  I thought this would be a wonderful forum for me to openly express my thoughts and feelings to help me with the emotional healing. Not talking about feelings results in increased anxiety for me. I get a tremendous sense of "calm" when I talk, cry, lament and laugh about this horrendous journey that I am about to embark.  So, please communicate with me as you wish. Let me apologize in advance if I over share, but this is why I am blogging, so you can follow or not. Also, I was a math teacher, not an English teacher, so forgive the run on sentences, fragmented sentences, spelling errors, split infinitives, or other grammatical errors that there might be.

I called my lovely and talented daughter Alexandra to help me start the sharing process.

Alexandra is 25 and lives in Kansas City, Missouri.  She graduated from Syracuse University with a degree in Industrial Design.  She is now a designer at Hallmark.  She navigated the whole process and now I have a beautiful blog!!

Alexandra called me and said that I needed to give the blog a name. Cancer is an Asshole...Fuck Cancer...Cancer sucks, Lynnie's little lump (that was Ralph's idea) were a few of my thoughts. Alexandra had a great idea! She said that there is a fashion blog called "Cupcakes and Cashmere" and she suggested "Cupcakes and Cancer".  I thought she was teasing, but as I thought about it, I really liked it!  Blogging about the bad stuff as well as a little frosting or good stuff.  The positive & the negative.

"Going through loss and grief is like going through a tunnel.   The bad news is the tunnel is dark.  The good news is once you have entered into the tunnel, you're already on your way out."

Happy New Year! You have breast Cancer!

I had just played tennis 5 days in a row, and was feeling great! 
I went for my yearly mammography on January 14th. 

Overwhelmed is an inadequate word for the experience.  I've lost all control of my life and fear took over. I immediately thought of my dear friend Barbara Simon, who recently lost her fight with breast cancer.  "Will I die?" I was just involved with a memorial tennis tournament in her name and I was recently the tennis chair for a "Rally for the Cure" event. Nope...I guess that wasn't my get out of cancer free card!

How do I begin to work through this complicated maze of emotions and unexpected decisions! So, I first come to realize that the fear comes from the unknown. 

Are the radiologist sure they were reading MY mammography  results?
Will I be at my children's weddings?
Will I live to see my grandchildren?
How can I shelter my family from this pain?

At 3:00am the list goes on and on 

Waiting for the pathology report was the most fearful 24 hours.  Ralph was able to expedite the pathology and at 3:30 on January 15th, he called my cell phone and with a high pitched voice, and  asked,  "when are you coming home." I was gone all day, trying to focus on a remodeling project, but I knew from his voice that the news was bad.    

"Fighting fear is like trying to sack fog;
you just can't get a handle on it.  Giving your power away to the fear is worse than suffering the consequence that you're afraid of.  Choose to give yourself the chance.  It's normal to be anxious and afraid, but you can't be dominated by the fear."